Cancer, COVID and the New Normal
I’ve started this post more times than I care to admit. I started it the last 2 weeks of radiation and while Dave handled it better than expected, it was still not our most upbeat time. I started again when he finished, but those first couple weeks were rough and I really couldn’t write anything positive. 2 weeks later we were a month into COVID quarantine and while Dave was feeling better, the world around us was not. The weeks since have both flown by and stood still, so I just kept writing in my head, but never stopped to put those thoughts on paper.
Today as we wait for the results of Dave’s first set of CT scans post treatment, I feel the urge write. It’s crazy to think that Dave finished radiation therapy 4 months ago - the same length of time from his first biopsy to his last treatment in fact. When we started this whole experience there was always a next step and a definitive time table which is great for a planner like myself. We suffered some setbacks along the way, but we had this idea that by mid-March we would be winding down from the “hard” stuff and on the road to recovery and getting back to normal. I even had it marked on my calendar!
Dave got through all of the radiation with less side effects than expected and managed to eat throughout (I’ll share the radiation saga later). We were a little giddy that last day and even went out to dinner and got ice cream afterwards, talking all the while about what would do once he felt better and the feeding tube was gone, etc. Dave envisioned a work day without a 3-hour hospital visit, more energy and concentration, with less neck and throat pain. I envisioned subbing at my favorite elementary school, hosting dinners for our friends and visiting my parents. We both envisioned trips to NYC to visit Jenna, San Antonio to visit Jared and a spa resort weekend when we weren’t at follow up appointments and therapy. What we hadn’t envisioned was a deadly virus that would keep us home for the next four months (and really beyond).
When Dave’s surgery date was set, our whole family became very careful about the flu and trying make sure Dave didn’t get sick so that he could get treatment as scheduled. Thus, trying to make sure he didn’t get COVID, seemed especially important. Initially the thought of them sticking another tube down his already compromised throat or being alone in another hospital filled me with panic. After treatment ended and Dallas shut down, we discovered that cancer treatment was going to look different during this pandemic. Some of his appointments were moved to summer, some were done virtually and only the surgeon continued to see him in person every six weeks. Of course, missing out on needed swallow therapy, radiation checkups and physical therapy caused anxiety and I still worry that in an effort to avoid this virus, we will miss out on important post-treatment cancer “stuff”. But, as we’ve managed to check some of those items off our list and as time goes by, that anxiety lessens a little. Instead my heart aches for those that are in the midst of treatment or are delaying it because of this deadly virus. Cancer is hard enough without this added layer of worry. So, now we stay home to make sure that not only Dave is safe, but also so that we don’t inadvertently take this virus to one of his appointments and infect his medical team or a nearby patient.
Our new normal doesn’t look at all like we planned that night over sushi and ice cream – we aren’t traveling and we aren’t physically at work or at school. We see our friends at virtual happy hours and visit with local family members in the backyard if they are unable to quarantine at home like us. Amazon, Instacart, DoorDash, Fed-ex and UPS know me by name and stop so often I’m a little embarrassed. However, I’ve also had more lunches with Dave then in all our married life, Jenna’s been able to work from Dallas and live with us for a few weeks and I’ve kept up with friends more now than when I worked. I’ve rediscovered my love of cooking, reading and needlepoint. I’ve done some of the house projects I’ve dreamed about and have begun to look at ways I can teach from home and use my voice to help others instead of volunteering in person. Our new normal isn’t what we envisioned, but in some ways, it is better. Cancer and COVID continue to teach me that I really need to plan less and enjoy today more – and today we are good.